Make Me Laugh

post jokes I've never heard and I'll give you credits. the harder I laugh the more you get. I'll give 100-500each depending on how good they are.

 

a kids mom and dad are divorced. he found his moms drivers license and asked "Did daddy leave you cause you got a F in sex? "

 

haha thats good, sending 300

 

Quite the flood.


A man approaches a child and says "That's a condom I've never seen before, I'll buy it for $20."
The child resolutely refuses.
"Fine I'll pay $25"
Finally the boy agrees at $40 and the man walks away eager to try out his purchase.

When the boy returns home he is struck by a pang of conscience.
"Mommy, I think i did something bad today"
"How so?"
"Well, I sold a man my Twinkie wrapper for $40"

 

haha sending 300

 

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

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Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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Grandpa and Grandma were spending a few weeks to visit with their son and his family. One night, Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked him about taking one of the pills.

"Dad," his son replied, "I really don't think you should take one. They're very strong and besides that, they're very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," was the answer.

"That ain't bad," responded Grandpa. "I'd like to try one. All I have are $50 bills, so I'll go break one and leave the money under your pillow."

The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. So as soon as he could, he spoke to Grandpa privately. "Dad, you gave me $110 but I told you the pill only cost $10."

"I know that, son," Grandpa replied.
"The extra hundred is from Grandma."

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A guy is in a British private hospital, in bed, asleep, with an oxygen mask on his face. The nurse walks in, see’s he’s a little sweaty, and proceeds to wipe his brow. Feeling this, the guy opens his eyes. "Oh nurse" he says, "can you check something for me?" "Certainly" say’s the nurse, "What is it?" The man looked at her with a pleading expression "Can you please check to see if my testicles are black?" "No one’s said anything to me and I really need to know if my testicles are black." Without further ado, the nurse pulled back the sheets, took his manhood in one hand and felt around his balls with the other. Within seconds, the guy’s manhood grew and grew. The nurse took no notice - ----- - and, just as she expected, the fluid flew forth. Without a word, the nurse let nature take it’s course, then wiped the guy down once the flow had finished. Pulling the sheets back up, the nurse looked at the guy and said "Well, Mr Brown, I’m pleased to say that everything down there is in perfect working order, so there’s nothing to be concerned about in that department." The guy looked at her. He was obviously elated and well pleased. "Thank you nurse, that was totally unexpected and very much appreciated, but ,can you tell me....." he removes the oxygen mask ......"Are my test results back?"


Those are my best jokes

 

lol
those are hilarious

 

Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible.

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.

"Well thank you.", said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.

"Okay.", replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.

"Sure.", said the sheep herder. So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?", queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

 

#1
'Twas The Night Before Christmas In Jail


'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell

Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure

The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this s**t

It came from the roof top
Sniveled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a b*tch

They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear

No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer

Alright mother trucker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
butthole and all

They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick


i think i edited all the bad words...dnt ban if i missed one


#2
The prostitute

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"

Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

 

OK, some tips for you mate. The 3 qualitys to look for in a woman.
1. Can cook and clean
2. Has her own income
3. Is good for sex.


Now you just hope those 3 women don't meet each other.

 

haha nice, sending

 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

 

lol

 

Ok, another joke.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

That made me lol ^

 

This is from daniel tosh

I have this jar in my house and fill it up with spare change, and I dont take anything out of that jar until i fill it up.

I buy some cargo pants when i fill up the jar with spare change and a belt

I put the coins in my cargo pants with the belt since i dont want to have an accident like in 92

so i go to a man and ask him if he can buy me a car alarm

no car just the car alarm

i put it under my shirt walk through las vegas and the first hobo to talk to me and asks me if i have any spare change guess what i do

Yea, i turn the car alarm on and yell at the top of my lungs

YOU HIT THE JACKPOT MOFO!! WOOO

im there throwing spare change at him and it looks like it hurts but he doesnt care he hit the jackpot