Jokes

Discussion in 'Spam Heaven' started by Shadow, Oct 9, 2009.

  1. Shadow

    Shadow his name... was Boner!

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    A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that
    caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment,
    she still showed no signs of recovery.

    One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath.
    When the nurse wiped between her legs, the lady quivered.
    The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office
    and informed him of the situation. The doctor took
    the sponge and wiped between the lady's legs and again she
    quivered.

    Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When
    the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested
    to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may
    be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral
    sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your
    smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing.
    He was however a little embarrassed about having oral
    sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that
    he and the nurse would monitor the event from another
    room across the hall.

    So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes
    and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor
    the session. After a while of watching the meters go
    beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined.
    The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the
    room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!"
    The husband replied, "I think she choked."
     
  2. Papermache

    Papermache Well-Known Member

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    Ahahaha lmao.

    There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
    First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
    Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
    The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
    The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
     
  3. Greasy Pete

    Greasy Pete Senior Member

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    LMAO TIMES TWO
     
  4. SupermanGTR

    SupermanGTR Well-Known Member

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    LMFAO!!!
     
  5. Nicasus

    Nicasus Been watching you all day

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    ROFLMAO!!
     
  6. KinXiom

    KinXiom Well-Known Member

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    ROFL!!!
     
  7. Greasy Pete

    Greasy Pete Senior Member

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    I AM LAUGHING
     
  8. Renagade

    Renagade Senior Member

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    Am I the only one who has heard these jokes before?
     
  9. Lefthanded

    Lefthanded Gentlemen of Leisure

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    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
     
  10. Nicasus

    Nicasus Been watching you all day

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    Combo breaker :<
     
  11. Zohair

    Zohair Formerly zohBOT

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    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

    "Try to look unimportant they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

    "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth

    "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."-Anon

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army

    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Army Recruit

    "Don't draw fire it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

    (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop
     
  12. iPro

    iPro Senior Member

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    I have to say, I was expecting knock-knock jokes or, "Why did the chicken cross the road..."

    Still not funny though.
     
  13. Shadow

    Shadow his name... was Boner!

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    A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

    He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. “I'm on the 7th hole,” she replied, “and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.”

    He thanked her and went back to his golf game.

    On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

    “I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

    He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

    He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?”

    “I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,” she replied.

    “No, I won't”.

    “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

    With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

    “See,” she said. “I knew you'd laugh!”

    “That's not what I'm laughing at,” he replied, “I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.”
     
  14. Papermache

    Papermache Well-Known Member

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    I thought that joke was going to turn into some lame anal joke (I guess it did in a sense), but it was really funny.


    Another one

    Code:
    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
    "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
    "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"


    This one is lame but always makes me laugh. Though it does confuse me why someone with a billion dollars would ask for a ferrari...

    Code:
    A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
    The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
    Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
    Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
    Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
     
  15. Nicasus

    Nicasus Been watching you all day

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    Quoting COD4 lines ftl.
     

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