How To Poop At Work..

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Andrew, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. Andrew

    Andrew Well-Known Member

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    I was laughing SO hard after reading this, have mods delete it if you don't feel this way...also applies to school, for you younger ones.


    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
    convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
    who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
    at work.

    CROP DUSTING:

    When farting, you walk briskly around the office
    so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
    know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
    full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
    left your pants.

    FLY BY:

    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
    and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
    and come back again. Be careful not to become a frequent flyer.
    People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
    bathroom.

    ESCAPEE:

    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
    sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
    not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
    next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
    escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
    both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK:

    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
    usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
    panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
    everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH:

    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
    This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
    This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:

    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
    if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
    the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
    will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom
    with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
    office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):

    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
    goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
    whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS:

    A SAFE HAVEN is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
    where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
    opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
    entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR:

    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
    shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
    at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR
    leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH:

    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
    you are in a stall is called a CAMO-COUGH. This can be used to
    cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO-
    COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE:

    An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
    BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is
    occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
    pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON:

    A WATERMELON is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
    the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
    WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET:

    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
    toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a
    CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

    UNCLE TODD:

    An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
    This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
    or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while on the
    crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
    empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life!
     
  2. Phoenix43

    Phoenix43 Well-Known Member

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    Ahahaha!

    Nice dude!

    +rep
     
  3. firezip

    firezip Well-Known Member

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    lol that will help me out at school after lunch lol
     
  4. Fate

    Fate Well-Known Member

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    LMAO, thats great Man

    .........................
     
  5. Twizted One

    Twizted One Well-Known Member

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    ROFL! Thats good man, did you write that?
     
  6. Funky_Chicken

    Funky_Chicken Well-Known Member

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    YOUR MY HERO!!

    <3

    vsafdgasdfgasdfasdfasdg
     
  7. iPhenom

    iPhenom Well-Known Member

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    That is so funny and true. good one
     
  8. UV Street

    UV Street Senior Member

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    Dude, you and I should totally turn this into a revised edition E-Book. We'll make millions millions I say!!
     
  9. Wolframm

    Wolframm Well-Known Member

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    that was gay.






















































































































    J/[email protected]!21 OMFG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
    that was pretty funny/random though
     
  10. space ace

    space ace Member

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    hahah awesome, very helpful
    +rep
     
  11. playakilla

    playakilla Well-Known Member

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    LMFAO
    That was Hillarious
     
  12. O RLY

    O RLY Well-Known Member

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    Hmmmm
    yea ive seen that before, but even reading at again its funny as hell.
     
  13. TMAC

    TMAC Well-Known Member

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    lmao you +rep'd for a thread about poop!

    Anyways, that was pretty funny. Just what I needed to hear after a long Friday and week.
     
  14. playakilla

    playakilla Well-Known Member

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    lmao you +rep'd for a thread about poop!

    Anyways, that was pretty funny. Just what I needed to hear after a long Friday and week. [/b][/quote]
    AMEN brother
     
  15. 07.

    07. Well-Known Member

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    lmao , this thread should be stickied
     

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