Now you got yo punks and goths, but im ghetto. And i think write letterz n shit yo is hilarious. and wonders of nature was funny too!
Mail the Photo Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. ----- Canoe Three men were found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men were led to a grave site next to the water. The chief told them, "We will kill you as cowards, or we will ler you die honorable deaths. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asked for a handgun, shot himself, and was carried off by the cannibals. The next man asked for a sword. A warrior at heart, he committed seppuku as would a Japanese man. He, too, was carried off by the cannibals. The last man asked for a fork. "A fork?" asked the cheif. But it was his dying wish, so they handed him a fork. He stabbed himself repeatedly in the chest, and yelled, "I hope your canoe sinks!" ----- Costume... A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......." ----- Swimming Contest A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race... The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming. A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead. About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged. They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde. As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms." ----- Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' ----- Bus Driver A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. First, he says, "If my mommy was a giraffe and my daddy was a giraffe, I'd be a baby giraffe!" The driver ignores the boy. Second, the boy says, "If my dad was a beaver and my mom was a beaver, I'd be a baby beaver!" The bus driver is a little pissed at this point. Third, the kid says, "If my daddy was a rhino and my mommy was a rhino, I'd be a baby rhino!" The driver, really pissed at this point, turns around and yells at the kid, "Yeah? What if your mom was a crack whore and your dad was a *** retard?!" The kid thinks for a moment and answers cheerfully, "Then I'd be a bus driver!" ----- Penguin Anyhow, a penguin is driving his Volvo through Death Valley, when suddenly, he hears this horrible sputtering noise and his car starts to slow down. Remembering that there's a gas station about a mile back, the penguin turns the car around and manages to just get the car into the gas station before it completely breaks down. The penguin gets out of the car and walks into the garage, where he sees a mechanic under a car. The penguin says, "Excuse me, but I think there's something wrong with my car. Could you take a look at it?" The mechanic says, "Well, I have to finish looking at this car first, but I'll be done in about half an hour, and then I'd be happy to take a look at your car." So the penguin leaves. Walking outside, the penguin notices that there's a convenience store in the gas station, so he decides to get himself one of his favorite foods, vanilla ice cream. So, the penguin goes into the store, buys the ice cream, and comes outside to enjoy his snack. The penguin soon realizes two things. One, it's really hard to eat vanilla ice cream with flippers, and two, it's a bad idea to eat vanilla ice cream in Death Valley, where it's 110 degrees in the shade. The penguin is soon a mess, covered from head to flipper in nasty, stick white goo. The mechanic, who has just finished working on the penguin's car, comes up to the penguin and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." THe penguin replies angrily, "It's vanilla ice cream, dammit!" ----- Ducks and Heaven Three men went to heaven. There they met an angel. The angel said, "You shall live happily forever here. However, do not step on a duck, for if you do, you shall suffer punishment." The first man stepped on a duck. The angel came along with a pair of handcuffs and an ugly, old woman. He cuffed the two of them together and said, "That is your punishment. You must live like this forever." The second man stepped on a duck. Once again, he was handcuffed with an ugly, old woman. The third man, being very cautious, never stepped on a duck for a long time. One day, the angel came along with a beautiful, young woman and handcuffed them together and left without saying a word. The third man said, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The womanr replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." ----- Sperm Count There was this guy that went to the doctor to get his sperm counted. The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He responds with, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then." Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happened. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand, but still nothing happened. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened. And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open." ----- Squirrels A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet. After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I didn’t scream. Then there was a bear that came up to me and snarled, but I still didn’t scream.” “So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated. “Well,” Joe continued, “two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat them now?’ A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV. "What on earth are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." evan
