A Little Chuckle...

Mr_Marshy · Jul 12, 2005 at 10:47 AM

Got this from a friend on another forum.

Apologies if anyone takes offense at all

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flipping thing in the first place.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply peeing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron filings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy. Watch their faces in the morning.

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

32 .Men - Don't waste time getting married & then divorced, just find a woman you don't like & buy her a house.

Top 9 reasons to go to work naked

1. No one ever steals your chair.

2. Gives ‘bad hair day’ a whole new meaning.

3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

4. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

5. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add ‘Exotic Dancer’ to your exaggerated CV.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

7. To stop those letches in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

8. ‘I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my trousers.’

9. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
Click to expand...

Phat Albert · Jul 12, 2005 at 11:02 AM

Haha, those are great!

Majin · Jul 12, 2005 at 11:37 AM

lmao those kick ass/

Mr_Marshy · Jul 12, 2005 at 2:22 PM

Glad you approve

Saint4 · Jul 12, 2005 at 2:25 PM

haha theyre awesome, gotta pass them on to people.

himster · Jul 12, 2005 at 2:32 PM

Hahah.. pretty cool man.

Your Mom is Hot · Jul 12, 2005 at 5:00 PM

Okay... point of this is ? lol

Illusion. · Jul 12, 2005 at 6:15 PM

hey thats hilarious. good find

madmav · Jul 12, 2005 at 6:48 PM

classic

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

rofl

SonicRush · Jul 12, 2005 at 6:58 PM

Those are an instant classic! Good find...

Log in or Sign up

A Little Chuckle...

Mr_Marshy Well-Known Member

Phat Albert Well-Known Member

Majin Senior Member

Mr_Marshy Well-Known Member

Saint4 Member

himster Well-Known Member

Your Mom is Hot Well-Known Member

Illusion. Well-Known Member

madmav Well-Known Member

SonicRush Active Member

Share This Page

Log in or Sign up

A Little Chuckle...

Mr_Marshy Well-Known Member

Phat Albert Well-Known Member

Majin Senior Member

Mr_Marshy Well-Known Member

Saint4 Member

himster Well-Known Member

Your Mom is Hot Well-Known Member

Illusion. Well-Known Member

madmav Well-Known Member

SonicRush Active Member

Share This Page

Useful Searches