A Poem I Wrote...feed Back Please!

Well I wrote a poem today in about 3 minutes...I had a lot on my mind. No one here really knows the situation, but a lot around me do. I decided to post this as a blog on myspace. But I wanted to get some feedback on what you guys thought about it.

I appologize ahead of time if this violates any TOS and will take my marks...but Its really deep whats goin o and wanted to know what people thought of it or ways to word it better and make it flow more smoothly.

So here it is...

My Greatest Loss:


Here I sit alone and cold

Man, this drama ---- is getting old...

Thinking of you as each moment is lost,

Was the love really worth the cost?

The laughter, tears, pleasure, and pain...

Is my torment your emotional gain?

A game you play; ------ing with me head,

Then you wonder why I'd rather be dead...

My concious eats at me while you continue your life

my emotional torment, my physical strife...

I pray to god that he takes my life,

And to think, I wanted you as my wife...

My one and only, you have my heart...

But yet you smile as you tear it apart.

How could you hurt me so damn much,

Yet you say you love me, need me, and such...

An angelic smile, yet a devilish soul...

How in the world could you be so cold?

Taking the life we made together,

A desicion you will eventually regret forever...

Pregnant, partying, acting wild with a smile,

As you eagerly wait...preparing to kill our child.

An innocent soul given to us by god himself,

Yet all you can think about is your own damned self.

Money hungry, alcohaul drivin, attention whore...

All you ever want is more, more, more.

No matter what, its never good enough...

Well go on ahead, you can call my bluff.

I am not playing when I say that Im done...

Theres no way I could kill my daughter or son!

Time to move on, you can move around...

Ill be damned If I sit here lookin like the clown.

It will hurt to let you go as you already know...

You cant even begin to love me though.

But while your out there tryin to floss,

This by far...will be my greatest loss!

Well, thanks for you time...please leave C&C

-Mike-

 

Rhyme pattern is ghey, sorry. Duplets are really lame, and sound tacky.

 

Thanks, now rewrite it for me, lol.

 

... EMO!

 

I'm pretty sure most of us were thinking this

 

Wait? Whos emo? Im far form Emo! WTF? Have any of you seen me?

 

just cause your name is badboy doesnt mean you arent emo.

 

^haha

 

"Wait? Whos emo? Im far form Emo! WTF? Have any of you seen me? "
He dosn't have too, hes dementia, GR's resident wanker.

The 1 2 , 1 2 rhyme pattern is pretty basic, and at times it just seemed like you were focused on making it rhyme and not about the words.
Very dark still, lacked great vocab too.

 

lol word..

n e ways that poem needs more work and uh use diff rhymes dont repeat the words to much.. life life life ect