im working on this poem, i will do a graphic for it later....but im stuck on the last 2lines, it must end with the syllable "an" and the last line must end with expression of man....this is for my art portfolio so yea, im stuck.....please help, thx Witness a demonstration and testimony of the soul as you drink from the depths of a heart that flows cold as you peer into the darkness that covets the mind embrace the adversity that's untainted by time... seek out the vague solitude within the many and you'll approach the haven we all reach when we're lonely, learn what it is to feel the anguish of each other the pain and despair that plagues one another, then you will begin to understand... that this is not me, but an expression of man. Peer into the chasms that compose your soul and listen to the reverb of thoughts as they slowly echo, unearth the sentiments long dormant and malign consciously experience those that were once sublime. conceive the inner notions of peace and tranquility but at the same instance realize its unattainability, diminish the imperfections that decline to falter and amplify the thoughts that constitute power btw, for any biters out there, i would advise againt the stealing of lymrics or stanza's, because it will be able to be googled when the work is finished (with my name SB G&G©2007) and it will have my real name associated with it.....so dont, unless your teachers are that gullable and think a 8th grade student did it lmao
Your structure of each line is not good in the sense of syllables. For instance, the first line you have 15, the next you have 12, and the next line its 13. You need to keep the syllables the same in each line throughout the entire poem, or its like "wtf?" All in all, your poem isn't THAT bad. You just hardly used any literary techniques. The rhyming wasn't good either. The first Stanza pretty much went like this: A B C D E F G G H Words like Soul and Cold don't rhyme, mind and time dont either. What kind of accent are you trying to portray through this piece? I think you need to get your heart into the piece, if you don't seem to be able to do it, then maybe poetry isn't your thing. You just need to learn more about poetry in my opinion. It's really hard to connect with it, sorry.
lol, all criticism is welcome, no apology is needed....maybe i should have wrote in the title "spoken word" cuz it was purely extemporaneous to the point where i got stuck lmao.....so yea, its free verse
ah I was just gonna suggest free verse, but why the attempts to rhyme? Anyway what sort of message are you trying to convey? I got something about a past reminiscence to individuality.
There are other forums that are dedicated to poetry. For example, my favorite: http://www.storiesmania.net/community/index.php Maybe you'll get more help there.
ok...thanks i guess, but im not a poet, i just needed something to be the centerpiece of an artwork i need to do for the portfolio....
