1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at her house...she runs around in her underwear just like we do. -Instead, turn up across the street with a camcorder and several hours of spare film. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination from the man club. 2. DON'T CHEAT ON HER. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, she WILL find out and you will be mud. -So shag a mute and then break her fingers. 3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat. -It's for this reason you should always go for that 'autistic orphan' type. Sorry, 'HOT autistic orphan.' 4. Never miss an opportunity to tell her she's beautiful. -Or that she's not, you want to keep her on her toes with this one. Consider pet names such as 'chunky' and 'the gravy monster' as an option. 5. Don't refuse to kiss her in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's just because they're jealous. -I don't know what kind of dogging society the original author of these rules came from, but round these parts kissing my girlfriend while the rest of my friends have a circle wank around about us is frowned upon. 6. If she slaps you hard, you deserved it. -Actions speak louder than words, and if a slap is a scolding, then a full-force punch to the tit is a condemnation. That was ------ing poetic. 7. Don't be afraid to touch her if you want to. If she's going out with you in the first place, it's because she likes being in your arms. -Her little brother is a different story...but still negotiable. 8. If you don't sleep with her, DON'T tell your friends that you did. -If you don't sleep with her, what the ------ are you doing with your time, nancy boy? 8.5 If you DO sleep with her, DON'T tell your friends that you did. -Tell them you'd been doing it all along and that your extension is comparable to a freight truck. Claim that you shook the very foundations of this earth and that her father cried tears of pride when you made his daughter a man...Wait, what? 9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it... -Every girl is just as horny as you, but too proud to admit it.(This was the original answer I wrote, but it still stands true.) 10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales. -Some of them eat like a small ------ing country. Refer to rule number 4 for guidance on this problem. 11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a -----.. -You know what? ------ you. Unless this bitch ----s diamonds and her vag can sing showtunes, she's not so ------ing special that she shouldn't have to pay her share. That is just more of the equal-to-men-but-wait-this-is-more-convinient philosophy. 11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time! -Yes I do need all that money. I will need it for the lawyer I will need after I will need to throw you down the ------ing stairs this evening, darling. Now foot the ------ing bill, whorecake. 12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship. -Every guy should immediately get three things from his girlfriend - his hole, a ham sandwich and peace and quiet. Failure to comply with this will result in a Number 6. 13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely. -Unless theres something on TV or it's dark outside. Should this be the case, it's best to assume you've had a good run, and send her on her way. And anyway, whats gonna get her on the three foot journey from a car to her door? Lawn ninjas? 14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the ---- out of him. -Unless he is Robert Redford and he is offering a large sum of money for your wife. Come on, Woody Harelson, that's an easy ------ing choice! Was it even him in Indecent Proposal? Did I make that up? Hahahaha Indecent Proposal 2: The Story of the Catholic Church. I'm so funny. 15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. -This will help you imagine the inevitable 'sex sandwich' you will wrangle later on unless you are a loser in which case you will again have your man license revoked and your testicles suspended. 16. Never, EVER slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back. -A great man once told me 'If she's ever getting a bit lippy with you, just give her a quick jab to the ribs. Thats a wee settler.' Though I may have forgotten that mans name, I will never forget his teachings. 17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went. -Watch Strcitly Ballroom, its ------ing awesome. 18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals. -Friends can be alienated, pets can be killed and parents generally like me. You're on your own with this one boys. Then again, if you have been following my advice up until now, then you can expect to be on your own for a very, very long time. 19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky. -Same as the female friend rule. Sex Sandwich. I'm pretty sure it's only illegal if they do stuff to each other... 20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like ----, so be understanding. -Did you know PMS actually stands for Penis Mouth Syndrome. This means that whenever your ladyfriend/woman/bitch-ass ho starts nagging you at an above normal rate, she really wants your man-sausage in her mouth. I am a ------ing genius. 21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it. -If it weren't for the fact I can't drive, then I would have always been driving, as that is the man's place. The woman's job is to hand out sandwiches around the car and ensure those who requested no butter do not, in fact, receive butter. 22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. -As opposed to what? 'Alright boys, this is the one I sent you all the pictures of.' 23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you. -So my house watching what I want is fine then? I know it is. 24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked. -And even if they don't complain, its a good idea to assume their tits are in constant pain, and rub them accordingly. Boobs are awesome. 25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. -Stunners should be applied through feebly constructed tables only and any chairs should be made of a light breakaway metal. Should you KO your opponent, it is still customary to piss on their head. 26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life. -But with all the basic nagging you get set up with, do you really think you'd notice the one extra topic? 27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good. -I recommend Old Spice, for that veteran rapist scent. 28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice. -The irony there almost bowled me out my ------ing chair. It doesn't have to be expensive, but jewelery is nice? You are basically telling me to buy you sovereign rings. And I am listening. 29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out. -Just never forget the bonus shag. 30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond. -You'll know all about this kind of power if you've ever seen Lord of the Rings. But then again, if you like Lord of the Rings, chances are the closest you'll get to a relationship is sex with a warm tub of soft scoop ice cream, loser.
Nice way to kill 10 reading this, although im sure i killed millions of braincells doing so, its was fun.
