Angels And Airwaves

ferret · Jun 5, 2006 at 2:27 AM

It's a long-assed read. Enjoy .

Angels and Airwaves: The world's newest cult

On a request from a friend, I was asked to write a review of the band Angels and Airwaves. Below will be actual text from their MySpace, website, and lyrics, along with comments from fans. All quotes will be unedited.

Here's how I started. I went to their MySpace page, link. You can look through it if you'd like. Decent layout until you hit the background. What the hell is that supposed to be? Fricking sunset on some horror movie? I'll pass on the overtly new-age mystic bullsh*t and cut to the chase. I dug around the site. Here is some text from the description, of which the writer must have been drunk with spell check on.

"Tom DeLonge knows how he'd like people to listen to We Don't Need to Whisper, the debut album from his new group, Angels and Airwaves (out May 23, 2006). "I really want the room to be dark, with black light or a candle," he says. "People should have headphones on, and they should be really comfortable, maybe sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed. I spent a year and a half working on this record, trying my hardest to give people a moment of escapism. All I ask is 50 minutes of a lowered heart rate."

What the hell is that? Honestly. You want me to sit in a dark room, comfortable as if I'm a child who has been given candy by a child molester, listening to him? No distractions? Nothing? No gun to shoot the CD player with? That's like church, except I don't have sudden urges to shoot the pastor or burn the Bible. It's like that Church of Satan that's in San Fransisco.

Here's another piece of linguistic art:

"DeLonge says, "We would literally shut the blinds, dim all the lights, put Stanley Kubrick's 2001 on the flat-screen TV and take these Stephen Ambrose World War II books, with these two-page spreads of cities burning and people dying, and we'd paste them all over the wall. So on one end of the room, you'd have the endless hope of space, and on the other end you'd have the worst of humanity, and then in the middle, we'd write a love song."

For one, Stephen Ambrose is a historian. He writes history books. He wrote Band of Brothers, which was made into a TV series on HBO. He does not make a book full of pictures of people dying, burning cities, and other stuff. Granted, he's got a few pictures of the firebombing of Dresden, Germany, but that's beside the point. His books are not picture books, nor are they something that you should tear apart and plaster the walls with for your mystical bullsh*t.

You can get love songs about thousands of deaths in a German city by suffocation, burning, rubble falling on entire families, or bomb explosions? Sh*t, I must be able to get a love poem about Jews from a speech by Hitler if you can pull that off.

More epic quotes from Tom Delonge:

"Valkyrie Missile": "That's a weapon in the cold war that carries a nuclear weapon. It's coming to annihilate life as you know it, meaning I didn't see the breakup of my band coming, but something special and beautiful is about to happen."

A Valkyrie is a guided missile frigate that was retired in the late 1980s. Boats are now nuclear missiles? Beautiful, special sh*t comes out of nuclear explosions? D*mn, that radiation, incineration, and massive destruction must really be worth it then. Let's f*cking nuke San Diego.

The next track: "Distraction," is what DeLonge describes as the emotional outline of war, and finding solace in a lover during turmoil in one's life. "Whether it's my brother being in a war on the other side of the world that was based on a lie, or my dad having leukemia, all these different things are true. But everyone's dealing with something and a lot of people are dealing with heavier ---- than me."

So your brother fighting and possibly dying to protect your right to b*tch about it on an article is for a lie? Awesome. F*ck the soldiers! F*ck the sailors! F*ck the airmen! F*ck the Marines (A Marine is a proper adjective, which is why it is the only one of the bunch to be capitalized)! Daddy got a disease caused by either benzene or radiation? Was he standing too close to that nuke that you set off for the sake of making a love song about it?

Yet more proof that you're running a cult:

"As you go through the record you get to these times where you're starting to outline love and life being created," DeLonge says. "God comes down and fixes the world in a day on a song called 'A Little Is Enough.' And then by the end of the record, with the song called 'Start the Machine,' the last words are 'If love is a word that you say, then say it, I will listen.' I'm just saying whatever you picture yourself doing can and will happen, but you have to have an enormous amount of faith in yourself and the world around you." DeLonge laughs. "So preachy, I know. And I don't mean for it to be. I wanted it to be the recording of an emotional event in my life. I love the idea of an album doing that, because I knew that if I could get 15,000 people in an arena to have the same feeling at the exact same moment, it would end up feeling like a religious event."

Guess what, dipsh*t? Your concerts are NOT religious events. Your bullsh*t songs are NOT messages from your so-called belief that God will fix it all. He can do it, but I highly doubt that He exists in that drug-induced fantasy world that you and your cult buddies are living in.

The name Angels and Airwaves popped into DeLonge's head while he was driving. He wasn't certain about the name at first, but then he realized that "Angels and Airwaves" abbreviated as "AAA"and that if he inverted the middle A, it spelled AVA, which is also the name of Toms daughter.

Spooky, a coincidence. Oh, god, what are we going to do? That's PROOF that you're some type of prophet. Are you going to start f*cking little kids like the rest of the "prophet" cult leaders? That's like saying Germany will win the World Cup based on this calculus:

Germany has won in 1954, 1974, and 1990. 54 x 74 - 1990 = 2006. Therefore, Germany will win.

God, that's awesome. Logic like that makes my brain hurt. Is that your intent? To make my brain implode so I'll become one with your little cult?

DeLonge isn't shy about being ambitious, and he's shooting for the moon with Angels and Airwaves. "This is not a side project," he says. "This is the next half of Tom DeLonge's life. If you liked anything that I did in the past, this is very much the next step." He still cracks lots of dick jokes and he's still obsessed with UFOs, but now he wants more. "The magic of Blink-182 was that the three of us came together to create this amazing band," he says. "But now there's no holds barred. I get to be me completely with a new group of talented musicians. We are on a different intensity level with this record, and it's something that we can't wait to share with the rest of the world.

So you're going to do this mystical bullsh*t for another fifteen years? You rode Blink 182 into the ground in that length of time, you can do Angels and Airwaves away easily in fifteen years.

Now that I've gotten through Tom's own words (the other band members are busy meditating to the music; they cannot be reached for comment), I'll get you some lyrics of his. Again, all quotes are unedited.
Valkyrie Missile
"Everyone, everyone will listen
Even if it hurts sometimes
If you will, come and hear the message
Everyone wants to learn to love again
Open up and come alive
And you will can you hear my message
Leave your pain on the bedroom floor again
Bring a smile to survive
And do you think that you have it in you
If you're here and you're all alone tonight
Then I'll give you a free ride
Take a chance cos I know you want to "

The first twelve lines of the song and he's sending out subliminal messages. The first twelve lines of the first song on their first album and they're trying to brainwash me. Cult. No question about it. I tried my best to grin and bear it while listening to this one, but I couldn't resist. I had to delete the song. It's very repetetive; I wouldn't suggest listening to it. Don't waste your bandwith downloading, for you pirates out there. This is the life-changing lyrics that you've hyped up so much?

This is Tommy's little song about nuking sh*t and having some good, wonderful, special thing come out of it all. Radiation scars are not special. Neither is an entire city being incinerated within the space of a few seconds. You can make a love song out of this? I'll take great pleasure in writing a poem from Hitler's speeches. If you can pull a song out of a nuclear explosion, I can write a poem.

"I've got a lot, a whole hell of a lot to say
Even if it hurts sometimes
And if you will come and hear the message
And everyone, everyone will hope and pray
That the best will sure survive
And if it's true then you'll feel the message
A perfect life, a perfect brand new day
And we're the next in line
And do you think that you have it in you
So if you're here and you're curious tonight
Then I'll give you a free ride
Take a chance cos I know you want to "

That's from the same song. I can see images of the destruction of Hiroshima in the lyrics. Either that or the effects of the alcohol. I can picture it now: miles and miles of death, destruction, parts of people's skulls, and all in the middle of it a flower, magically left untouched. Nuclear radiation must have some kick*ss fertilizer in it.

How can some guy who used to sing about things such as f*cking dogs up the *ss and recieving blow jobs from my mother while dancing on stage nude suddenly show "the real him" and write sappy love songs about nukes going off? Here's some sample lyrical genius from Tom:

Below is an unedited song. If you're offended by profanity, deal with it or scroll past it.

"[tom]
i want to ---- a dog in the ass

[mark]
he wants to ---- a dog in the ass

[tom]
i wanna ---- a dog...thats right kids
I tried to ---- your mom in the ass
Tried to ---- your dad in the ass
could only find the dog....and his ass

[mark and tom]
we wanna ---- a dog in the ass
we wanna ---- a dog in the ass
we wanna ---- a dog

[tom]
I tried to ---- a ----ing pirate in the ass

[mark]
Aarrh me and me first mate ya scurvy cur!

[tom]
tried to ---- a ----ing pirate
but I've found the dog

[mark, in mexican accent]
Ahh that was no pirate man that was thine own sister

[music stops]

[mark]
its a Mexican pirate

[music continues]

[mark and tom]
We want to ---- a dog in the ass
We want to ---- a dog in the ass
wanna ---- a ----ing dog

[mark]
---- you"

Pure f*cking genius. A whole song about dog molestation. A whole song with lyrics about attempts at what I'd assume is rape (because I highly doubt that my mother would sleep with either of the two). The guy wants to bone pirates. What the f*ck is wrong with him? Pirates own his sappy little *ss.

Again, if you're offended by unedited profanity, scroll on down.

"[Mark Mexican accent]
Uno, dos, tres, quatro

When you ----ed grandpa did he tell you that he loved you?
Did he hold you till the sun did rise
And did he look into your eyes
And ask you to fellate him
And stick a finger or two in his ass

He seems like a total asshole,
Grandpa is a total ----ing asshole
Who would ever want a dirty, greasy finger in his ass?
He rubs his dick in broken glass.

When you ----ed grandpa did he kiss you soft and tender?
Did he tie your hands behind your head
And was it on your mother's bed and...
(He seems like a total asshole,
Grandpa is a total ----ing asshole
Who would ever want a dirty, greasy finger in his ass?
He rubs his dick in broken glass)

This is ----ing stupid man,
I can't believe you'd have sex with your own grandfather,
I mean, you guys are related!
What's he gonna do?
Take out his false teeth
And just leave them on the side of your bed?
Man, you like to ---- him in the butt
And have people come in
And watch and mastrubate
And cum all over the place,
This is stupid!
I hate you all.
I'm not even gonna have sex with my mom tonight,
This is stupid!
I hate you."

He's now talking about a (presumably) child being molested by his or her grandfather? Incest? Something's wrong. Mark and Travis must be brainwashing poor Tommy over here because this definately isn't the true Tom Delonge. Nuclear warhead love songs are the real you, Tom.

Remember his description about the "war" that his "brother" is fighting for "lies?" I don't care if you're liberal, conservative, or neutral, you can agree that something is wrong with this idiot's head. Quoted below is that song in its entirety.

The War lyrics
The ocean is on fire
The sky turned dark again, as the boats came in
And the beaches, stretched out with soldiers
With their arms and guns, it has just begun

Believe you want this
Believe I want this too

Why won't you tell me
That it's almost over
Why must this tear my head
Inside out

And the houses, laid out like targets
With a deafening sound, we watched them all go down
And the families, now useless bodies
They lay still black and blue, a gift from us to you

Believe you want this
Believe I want this too

Why won't you tell me
That it's almost over
Why must this tear my head
Inside out

Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh

Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh (Believe)
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh (Believe)
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh (You want this too)

Why won't you tell me
That it's almost over
Why must this tear my head
Inside out

Why won't you tell me
That it's almost over
Why must this tear my head
Inside out

Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh
Oh ohohoh oh oh ohoh ohoh

Assuming that this is about American servicemen and women, I'll base my opinion as such. Ocean is on fire? What, did the evil, imperialistic Bush-tools light the water on fire with all the oil that we've been stealing? Poor ocean. Their arms are threatening? Rifles locked at port arms (which by the way, no soldier with a brain would walk into combat in that position; it's used for drill purposes and as such serves no realistic purpose other than getting said soldier shot without him having a chance to fire back) is threatening? It's disciplined, but probably the least threatening of all drill positions (unless you've got fantasies of being locked in a box of soldiers with rifles locked at port arms, eyes straight ahead, and being chained to a table while being probed). We, as Americans, now target houses (presumably with bombs) as a matter of policy? We now film bodies being blown into the air, whole families being torn apart? Drugs are bad, Tommy. Rehab might not even fix the damage they've done.

Here's another work of art from Tom:
The Adventure lyrics
"I wanna have the same last dream again
The one where I wake up, and I'm alive
Just as the four walls close me within
My eyes are opened up with pure sunlight
I'm the first to know, my dearest friends
Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that's dead shall be regrown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

Hello, here I am
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin

Any type of love it will be shown
Like every single tree reach for the sky
If you're gonna fall, I'll let you know
That I will pick you up like you for I
I felt this thing, life can't replace
Where everyone was working for this goal
Where all the children left without a trace
Only to come back, as pure as gold
To recite this all

Hello, here I am
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin, tonight

Hello, here I am
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin, tonight

Hello, here I am
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin

I cannot live; I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live; I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live; I can't breathe unless you do this with me
I cannot live; I can't breathe unless you do this with me

Hello, here I am (You do this with me)
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin (You do this with me)

Hello, here I am (You do this with me)
And here we go
Life's waiting to begin
Life's waiting to begin"

You can dream while you're dead? Dream that you're alive? Cool, I'll have to try that when I die. Thanks for the inspiration, Tom. This song had the longest f*cking intro that I've seen from any of Tom's bands. This one is a Tool intro on a smaller scale, if Tool did new-aged mystical bullsh*t about a stuff such as dreaming about waking up while you're dead.

That was three songs. These three are currently available on Angels and Airwaves' MySpace blog. Check it out for yourself. I'm sure that you'll find my descriptions quite accurate.

As if that wasn't bad enough, here's some of the "life-changing" effects of the music on some of their fans (unnamed so as to not embarass them).

"omg, i got that cd and when i was listening to it, idk y..... but u guys kinda stopped me 4rm cutting myself;thanx!! =)u guys rock!! "

"I can't express how much this album rocks with just words... it has changed how I listen to music for the rest of my life. This album is absolutely an all time best. Congrats guys, you did it."

" we dont have to whisper that this album is F*ckin amazing !!! "

"
hAh!!i bought that!!my friend is Ubers jealous!!i love it!come to delmar before i kick ur ass on myspace. "

You guys should try out for suicide prevention counselers, I'm sure you'd get the job by simply selling your albums. Add that to the warning label.

"WARNING: THIS ALBUM MAY PREVENT YOUR SUICIDE. DO NOT BUY IF YOU ACTUALLY PLAN ON KILLING YOURSELF."

Credits:

I'd like to thank the following: The AvA blog for the content, The Best Page in the Universe for the "Big ----ing Deal" graphic, www.lyricsspot.com for the deep lyrics, the AvA fan/we jack off to Tom Delonge's photo club, www.amazon.com's reader reviews for a bit deeper understanding of these "life changing" lyrics, and whatever fluids that I've pumped into my body to keep myself awake over the past few hours.
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Mcal · Jun 5, 2006 at 6:56 AM

i thaught they were pretty good
i try to look past the life changing band and just focus on the music

.Apex · Jun 5, 2006 at 6:59 AM

well i dont have enough time to read it all, but ive bought the album and its a great album and i think if they keep going they could make it as big as blink did.

JohnnyCash · Jun 5, 2006 at 8:52 AM

The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves is on MTV atm. Nice vid!

DemsLover · Jun 5, 2006 at 10:24 AM

Apparently they suck live aha

Haldir · Jun 5, 2006 at 11:11 AM

Originally posted by SexAndGlue@Jun 5 2006, 02:24 PM
Apparently they suck live aha

[snapback]2588572[/snapback]
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I'm no fan of Angels and Airwaves but they sound quite good live.

Carmon · Jun 5, 2006 at 11:15 AM

wasnt really impressed with the New album tbh but i do 2nd the Fact they are good live tho

jimorrison · Jun 5, 2006 at 11:16 AM

they're ok....

DemsLover · Jun 6, 2006 at 12:02 AM

Originally posted by Haldir+Jun 5 2006, 03:11 PM-->

<!--QuoteBegin-SexAndGlue
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@Jun 5 2006, 02:24 PM
Apparently they suck live aha

[snapback]2588572[/snapback]
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I'm no fan of Angels and Airwaves but they sound quite good live.

[snapback]2588691[/snapback]
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Like 10 people i knew went to see them and aparently it sounded bad lol, all blink fans haha.

dont like em anyway but still

anticyclone · Jun 6, 2006 at 12:29 AM

Their sound gets old pretty fast. All of their songs are too alike. (I am a fan of the member's other bands too like the offspring and blink 182 so it's not like i'm biased)

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Angels And Airwaves

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