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Because its not






HAHAHHAHAHHA

 

http://www.sheendigital.com/alba/

Jessica Alba nude

Do i win prize ?

 

no adult pics!!!

lol i had my speakers turned up the whole way

 

hahah I win

 

nice !!

 

Q: what does your mother and a shotgun have in common?
A: two ----s and shes loaded

Your mother is like a rental car, anything that has been ridden that hard, that many times, you dont need to be sticking your key into it.

Q: What does Monica Lewensky and a soda machine have in common?
A: Both say, "Insert bill here"

 

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and ---- on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from Walker: Texas Ranger and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ----ing Indian.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Merged Post:

More chuck norris


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

> * Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

> * If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

> * Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

> * Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

> * There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

> * There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

> * It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

> * Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

> * When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

> * Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

> * Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

> * Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

> * When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

> * Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

> * Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

> * A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

> * Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

> * Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

> * Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

> * Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

> * The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

> * After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".>

> * Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

> * If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

> * One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

 

Your' moma is so old she sat behind jesus in the 3rd grade

You'r moma is so old she waited at the last super

You'r moma is so old that she was lviing when the grand cannon was a ditch

You'r moma is so fat that her blood type is ragu (the spaggeti sause)

Yo Momma's so poor she uses cheerios as earrings

Yo Momma's so poor she tried soul food

Yo Momma's so poor when I stepped on a lit cigarrette in your house she yelled "who turned of the heat"!

Yo Momma's is so poor that your tits are real

Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!

Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!

Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!

Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!

Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!

Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!

Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!

Your momma's so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV

Your momma's so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up

Your momma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car

Your momma's so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl

Your momma's so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V

Your momma's so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund

Yo mama so short she does pull-ups with a staple.

Yo mama so short she gave yo daddy head while standing up.

Yo momma so short she commited suicide by jumping of the curb

Yo mamas so short she jumped in a puddle and drowned

 

Vin Diesel


When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. ---- you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ---- down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ----.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL----!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ----ing another.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for *Man's Man*." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun

 

why is it always 12:00 at the neveralnd ranch? (michael jacksons house)?

The big hand is always on the little hand

,,,,,,lol....

 

why did michael jackson go to wallmart??










Because, boys pants were half off!

 

wow..explaining it...totally ruins the joke

 

that was found here http://williambader.com/mj.html nice try though.

 

lol, jsut because you can find a joke someplace doesnt mean they got it there, I know alot of jokes, I dont go look them up, you learn them from other people.

like:

you mamma is so fat when she walks outside with her new red dress on everyone says hay ho its the ccoolaid man.

yo mama is so ugly when she walked into a haunted house she came out with a job aplication

you mama is so poor sh used copons at the doller store.

yo mama is so old here social security number is 1

yo mama is so black she went to night school and got counted absent.

yo mama is so fat when she spept on the scale it said 1 nat a ime place

yo mama is so fat bill gates counlt aford her liposuction.

 

two blondes walk into a bar























ouch!
you would have thought at least one of them would have seen it